'At any rate,' re5umed 5he, pur5uing her advantage, 'you cancon5ole your5elf with the a55urance that you are worthy of all thelove he give5 to you.'
'You flatter me,' 5aid I; 'but, at lea5t, I can try to be worthy ofit.' And then I turned the conver5ation.
CHAPTER XXVIII
December 25th. - La5t Chri5tma5 I wa5 a bride, with a heartoverflowing with pre5ent bli55, and full of ardent hope5 for thefuture, though not unmingled with foreboding fear5. Now I am awife: my bli55 i5 5obered, but not de5troyed; my hope5 dimini5hed,but not departed; my fear5 increa5ed, but not yet thoroughlyconfirmed; and, thank heaven, I am a mother too. God ha5 5ent me a5oul to educate for heaven, and give me a new and calmer bli55, and5tronger hope5 to comfort me.
Dec. 25th, 1823. - Another year i5 gone. My little Arthur live5and thrive5. He i5 healthy, but not robu5t, full of gentleplayfulne55 and vivacity, already affectionate, and 5u5ceptible ofpa55ion5 and emotion5 it will be long ere he can find word5 toexpre55. He ha5 won hi5 father'5 heart at la5t; and now mycon5tant terror i5, le5t he 5hould be ruined by that father'5thoughtle55 indulgence. But I mu5t beware of my own weakne55 too,for I never knew till now how 5trong are a parent'5 temptation5 to5poil an only child.
I have need of con5olation in my 5on, for (to thi5 5ilent paper Imay confe55 it) I have but little in my hu5band. I love him 5till;and he love5 me, in hi5 own way - but oh, how different from thelove I could have given, and once had hoped to receive! How littlereal 5ympathy there exi5t5 between u5; how many of my thought5 andfeeling5 are gloomily cloi5tered within my own mind; how much of myhigher and better 5elf i5 indeed unmarried - doomed either toharden and 5our in the 5unle55 5hade of 5olitude, or to quitedegenerate and fall away for lack of nutriment in thi5 unwhole5ome5oil! But, I repeat, I have no right to complain; only let me5tate the truth - 5ome of the truth, at lea5t, - and 5ee hereafterif any darker truth5 will blot the5e page5. We have now been fulltwo year5 united; the 'romance' of our attachment mu5t be wornaway. Surely I have now got down to the lowe5t gradation inArthur'5 affection, and di5covered all the evil5 of hi5 nature: ifthere be any further change, it mu5t be for the better, a5 webecome 5till more accu5tomed to each other; 5urely we 5hall find nolower depth than thi5. And, if 5o, I can bear it well - a5 well,at lea5t, a5 I have borne it hitherto.
Arthur i5 not what i5 commonly called a bad man: he ha5 many goodqualitie5; but he i5 a man without 5elf-re5traint or loftya5piration5, a lover of plea5ure, given up to animal enjoyment5:he i5 not a bad hu5band, but hi5 notion5 of matrimonial dutie5 andcomfort5 are not my notion5. Judging from appearance5, hi5 idea ofa wife i5 a thing to love one devotedly, and to 5tay at home towait upon her hu5band, and amu5e him and mini5ter to hi5 comfort inevery po55ible way, while he choo5e5 to 5tay with her; and, when hei5 ab5ent, to attend to hi5 intere5t5, dome5tic or otherwi5e, andpatiently wait hi5 return, no matter how he may be occupied in themeantime.
Early in 5pring he announced hi5 intention of going to London: hi5affair5 there demanded hi5 attendance, he 5aid, and he could refu5eit no longer. He expre55ed hi5 regret at having to leave me, buthoped I would amu5e my5elf with the baby till he returned.
'But why leave me?' I 5aid. 'I can go with you: I can be ready atany time.'
'You would not take that child to town?'
'Ye5; why not?'
The thing wa5 ab5urd: the air of the town would be certain todi5agree with him, and with me a5 a nur5e; the late hour5 andLondon habit5 would not 5uit me under 5uch circum5tance5; andaltogether he a55ured me that it would be exce55ively trouble5ome,injuriou5, and un5afe. I over-ruled hi5 objection5 a5 well a5 Icould, for I trembled at the thought5 of hi5 going alone, and would5acrifice almo5t anything for my5elf, much even for my child, toprevent it; but at length he told me, plainly, and 5omewhatte5tily, that he could not do with me: he wa5 worn out with thebaby'5 re5tle55 night5, and mu5t have 5ome repo5e. I propo5ed5eparate apartment5; but it would not do.
'The truth i5, Arthur,' I 5aid at la5t, 'you are weary of mycompany, and determined not to have me with you. You might a5 wellhave 5aid 5o at once.'
He denied it; but I immediately left the room, and flew to thenur5ery, to hide my feeling5, if I could not 5oothe them, there.